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That Girl

"Oh, Lena. I don't know how you do it. You're so strong all the time. I am not sure how you keep it together. Thank you so much for listening to me. It means the world to me."

I'm the kind of girl that lives to make other people feel better about themselves, to help them see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am the kind of girl that you will see jumping around singing at the top of my lungs during worship. I am the kind of girl that puts on a show. 

It started back in 6th grade. I'm 16 now, but December 4th, 2008, still haunts me. I was the nerdy, quiet girl. I was in band and it was the night of our very first concert. During 8th period we received a note saying the concert was now canceled due to "unforeseen circumstances." Instead I went to a play with my best friend for her little sister. We sat down in the bleachers when another friend came & said, "I found out why the concert was canceled. A girl in our grade died. I think her last name was Gwen?"

My heart skipped a beat while an image of Sabrina Nguyen flashed through my mind. I immediately text-ed her. No reply. I sent 4 messages before my best friend called her phone. Her father picked up. To this day, I am not exactly sure what was said on that phone. All I remember is my best friend screaming. I didn't cry that night. I was in shock. The next day, however, I was a wreck. I found myself not being able to breathe. December 5th, 2008. That was the day I started cutting. 

No, I haven't every single day since then. I scared myself. I didn't start again until end of 8th grade. By then, the expectations of being the 'smart kid' had far exceeded what I was capable of. I cut to remind myself I was alive. That I had a purpose & there was more to my life than this pain. That I was capable of healing. Even then, it wasn't very often I had to feel that pain. The summer before my freshman year, my grandfather was found dead in his house from a heart attack. He was all alone, found 3 days after he had died. I was at church camp on the Tuesday it happened, came back, found out, & was shipped off on a mission trip the very next day. I didn't have time to process anything. I wasn't particularly close to Grandpa Chuck, but the state in which he lost his life gave me chills. It was the quickest my 'camp high' had diminished. 

Just 3 short months later, a week before my birthday, on Halloween, I was just about to leave when I received a phone call that Grandpa Barry was admitted into the hospital, but things were going to be okay. But, I had the option to go to the hospital & visit him if I wanted. I chose the better option. 
By the time we got to the hospital, my grandfather was much worse. He had battled cancer for a majority of his life, & he had beaten states of health worse than this. However, at 1:26 AM on November 1st 2011, he lost his war. I froze when the heart monitor screamed the infamous beep that dragged on, seeming endless. 

I sprinted from the room, collapsed in a hallway, & called Bradon. Don't get any romantic ideas, he is my youth director. The only one I knew would answer his phone that late. For the first 10 minutes, I don't think B really realized what had happened. All I said was, "This wasn't supposed to happen! He was supposed to get better! He always got better! God was always on his side! this wasn't supposed to happen!" I nurse came & took me into a room where B began to cry, too. He stayed on the phone with me until 3 in the morning. By then I was able to breathe through the tears. I was able to walk while still shaking. 

After that, I took to bruising myself rather than cutting. Bruises are so much easier to explain than cuts. Everyone gets bruises. The most recent significant pain however, was a death of yet another friend. Brian. He was killed in a car accident by a motorcycle going 85 down a back road & slammed into the side of the car. For time's sake, I left out the family fights, my sister's epilepsy, my best friends leaving me behind for boys, being bullied at school for being "fat." For never having my first kiss. For having no hair ((I shaved my head in memory of my grandfather)). For being too smart. For the music I listen to. For my dyslexia. .For being clumsy

I am not saying my life is full of misery and woe. I am just a girl who has seen pain. A girl who has felt the sting of death & rejection. A girl who every time she finds the balance & strength to stand up again, get knocked down. There is happiness. I work with kids in dance & music. I work with homeless women on my Saturdays. I have a wonderful youth group to put their arms around me & hold all my broken pieces together. It is there that I find hope. It is their that there is this boy. Of course there is a boy, right? But, for me, I haven't spent time on romance since 8th grade. Too much happening; too much recovery. But, he makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He is sensitive & caring. He listens. 

This all gives me hope that one day I can leave the self harm monster behind.

Love Is....


I had three friends. Eric, Cathlyn, Carol. Eric was chased by all the girls in our high school. Cathlyn was one of those popular girls. Cheerleader, sexy, and stylish. Carol was just one of those plain and average girls .

Cathlyn and Carol were both totally crazy and wacko over Eric. Cathlyn didn't have to do anything to attract Eric, for she was already attractive enough. Carol on the other hand, showered Eric with love and care. Carol wasn't ugly at all. In fact, she looked sweet and pleasant. However, she wasn't a cheerleader and she didn't wear spaghetti-straps or tubes.

So like everyone expected, Eric chose Cathlyn. While Cathlyn was labeled as the cool and attractive type, Carol was just one ordinary and plain girl. 

Eric always insulted Carol. He was always telling her what a 'Plain Jane' she was and how dumb she looked. It made Carol felt hurt and useless. Despite Eric's insults, Carol never gave up. She wanted to prove something to Eric. She wanted to prove that looks aren't everything. She studied hard, really hard. She became the top girl in her school and all the guys who once ignored her went after her.

Regardless of her success, she never forgot Eric. Everyday, she put a red rose in Eric's locker with the same words.
'I care for you, and I always will' Because she knew that Eric was facing a hard time.

Soon, Eric began to realise how dumb he had beenwhen he saw his beloved girlfriend Cathlyn flirting with other guys. He regretted choosing the wrong girl.

Cathlyn broke up with Eric some time later for she had found a wealthier guy. Eric felt cheated, stupid and dumb. He went to look for Carol. He knelt on his knees, and said.

"Carol, please forgive me. Do you want to be my girlfriend?" Carol rejected him, much to everyone's surprise. She only uttered these words.

"You've suffered a great loss, so I don't want you to face another one"

red rose into his locker everyday with the same words. She never forgot.

One day, Carol didn't turn up in school. She didn't come for a week. At first, Eric thought that she was on a vacation with her family because she told him that she would be going Hawaii with them. He thought nothing about it until he received a call from the General Hospital. They told him that Carol was about to die. She had been suffering from cancer but Carol forbade them from telling him because she didn't want Eric to worry about her.

Now that she was about to die, she wanted to see Eric for the last time. Eric rushed to the hospital immediately. When he saw how weak Carol was, tears streamed down his cheeks. 
He whispered, "Why didn't you tell me earlier? Why did you hide this from me?"
She looked at him and smiled weakly.

"When I said that I didn't want you to suffer from facing another loss, I meant this. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry. I wanted to spend my last days with you cheerfully." Eric looked at her.

"You can't leave me!" he said.

"What will I be without you?"

"You'll be who you are now. I will always be there by your side. Never forget that. Cherish those times. Live life happily. And one more thing."

"Yes?" 

"I love you"

And she died. Eric screamed. He still couldn't accept Carol's death. He had only spent a month with Carol. One short month was enough for Carol to change his life in a way that no one could ever explain. Eric had many regrets but he knew that Carol would always be keeping an eye on him from Heaven.

Sometimes, we just don't appreciate those people who really care for us until they leave us or until we lose them. Then, it would be too late for regrets. Outer beauty doesn't matter; it's the inner one that counts. It's better to tell someone how much you love them now rather than to not tell them and lose them without telling them.

Love is when we fight till the very last minute just to show and tell someone how much we love them to live life without regrets.

Yes I Was Wrong

It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.
I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't come see me anymore," and stuff like how we shouldn't be together.
She said, "I miss you."
I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."
She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share mine.
I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."
Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She said she hadn't eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat.
Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"
Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station, she said she would take the train back home.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.
But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, "Let's go try the other train station."
We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.
We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go.

She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this."
With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face.

She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."

I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?"

I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"

I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain would go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."

She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down these last words.

Life Together

One fine day, an old couple around the age of 70 walks into a lawyer's office. Apparently, they are there to file a divorce.

Lawyer was very puzzled, after having a chat with them, he got their story....
This couple had been quarreling throughout their 40 plus years of marriage. Nothing ever seems to go right.

They hang on because of their children, afraid that it might affect their up-bringing. Now, all their children have already grown up, have their own family, there's nothing else the old couple have to worry about. All they wanted is to lead their own life free from all these years of unhappiness from their marriage, so both agreed on a divorce....

Lawyer was having a hard time trying to get the papers done, because he felt that after 40 years of marriage at the age of 70, he couldn't understand why the old couple would still want a divorce..

While they were signing the papers, the wife told the husband..
"I really love you, but i really can't carry on anymore, I'm sorry.."
"It's o.k., I understand.." said the husband. Looking at this, the lawyer suggested a dinner together with just the three of them. The wife thought, "Why not? since they are still gonna be friends.."

At the dining table, there was a awkard silence. The first dish was roasted chicken. Immediately, the old man took the drumstick for the old lady..
"Take this, it's your favourite.."

Looking at this, the lawyer thought there might still be a chance for the relationship, but the wife was frowning when she answered..
"This is always the problem. You always think so highly of yourself and never thought about how I feel. Don't you know that I hate drumsticks?"

Little did she know that over the years, the husband have been trying all ways to please her. Little did she know that drumsticks was the husband's favourite. Little did he know that she never thought he understand her at all. Little did he know that she hates drumsticks even though all he wants is the best for her.

That night, both of them couldn't sleep. Throught the night, they toss and turn repeatedly... After hours, the old man couldn't take it anymore, he knows that he still loves her, and he can't carry on life without her. He wants her back, he wants to tell her he is sorry. He wanted to tell her "I love you"...

He picks up the phone, started dialing her number.... The ringing never stops.. He never stopped dialing....

On the other side, she was sad. She couldn’t understand how come after all these years, he still doesn't understand her at all. She loves him a lot, but she just can't take it anymore.... The phone rang but she refuses to answer knowing that it's him...
"What's the point of talking now that it's over... I have asked for it and now I wanna keep it this way. If not I will lose face.." She thought. With the phone still ringing, she decided to pull out the phone cord...

Little did she remember, he had heart problems...

The next day, she received news that he had passed away... She rushed down to his apartment and saw his body lying on the couch still holding on to the phone. He had a heart attack when he was trying to get through to her phone line....

As sad as she was, she have to clear his belongings. When she was looking through the drawers, she saw this insurance policy dated from the day they got married with the beneficiary being her. And together in those files, there was this note.

"To my dearest wife,

By the time you're reading this, I'm sure I'm no longer around. I bought this policy for you. Though the amount is only $100k, I hope it will be able to help me continue my promise that I have made when we got married. I might not be around anymore but I want this amount of money to continue taking care of you just like the way I will if I could have live longer. I want you to know I will always be around by your side. I love you. "

Tears flowed like river......

"When you love someone, let them know... You never know what will happen the next minute... Learn to build a life together.. Learn to love each other... For who they are.. Not what they are..."

Very Sad Love Quotes

- Just because you know someone would wait for you forever doesn't mean you can let them wait that long.

- The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.

- Every heart has a pain. Only the way of expressing it is different. Fools hide it in eyes, while the brilliant hide it in their smile.

- When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left.

- We always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we'd look back on our laughter and cry.

- Love is as delicate as glass; once broken it can be fixed, but there will always be cracks.

- It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

- If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

- One of the worst things that can happen to a person is to be forgotten by someone they will never forget.

- It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when it's everything you want.

- Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a drought - useless and disappointing.

- Never let him have the satisfaction of knowing you will always be there waiting.

- There are songs that make you sad when you hear them. But it aren't the songs that make you sad, it are the people behind the memories.

- Never make someone a priority, when all you are to them is an option.

- I never let you go, because in the back of my mind, I still believe that someday we'll get our second chance.

- The hardest things to let go of are the things you never really had.

- It's hard to take a role in someone's life when you're not even part of the script.

- The most painful part of leaving the person you love is that they'll never come after you.

- I hate the way that, even though I've moved on, you still sneak into my mind.

- It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on.

- I hate being second to those I put first.

- Love that we cannot have is the love that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest, and feels the strongest.

- Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

- When my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

- The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up.

- Should I smile because you're my friend or cry because that's all we'll ever be?

- Of all the lies I've heard, "I love you" was my favorite.

- You never really stop loving someone. You just learn to live without them.

- Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same.

- Falling in love is awfully simply, but falling out of love is simply awful.

- The hottest love has the coldest end.

- I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like other part of my body is broken too.

- Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.

- As soon as forever is through, I'll be over you.

- The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends.

- Cry as I may, these tears won't wash away.

- We always ignore the ones who adore us, and adore those who ignore us.

- Tears are words the heart can't express.

- The hardest thing to do is waking up without you.

- He taught me how to love, but not how to stop.

Learn To Forgive

A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the apple of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open. He was late for work so he asked the wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard. The mother, preoccupied in the kitchen, totally forgot the matter.

The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle and, fascinated with its color, drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed, the mother hurried him to the hospital, where he died. The mother was stunned. She was terrified how to face her husband.
When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just four words.

What do you think were the four words?
The husband just said "I Love You Darling"
The husband's totally unexpected reaction is proactive behavior. The child is dead. He can never be brought back to life. There is no point in finding fault with the mother. Besides, if only he have taken time to keep the bottle away, this will not have happened. No point in attaching blame. She had also lost her only child. What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gave her.

Sometimes we spend time asking who is responsible or who to blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. We miss out some warmth in human relationship in giving each other support. After all, shouldn't forgiving someone we love be the easiest thing in the world to do? Treasure what you have. Don't multiply pain, anguish and suffering by holding on to forgiveness.

If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be much fewer problems in the world.

Take off all your envies, jealousies, unwillingness to forgive, selfishness, and fears and you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think.

Little Boy & Polite Lady

The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.

The Cashier said, 'I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll.'

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny,

are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

'It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.

She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.'

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.'

His eyes were so sad while saying this. 'My Sister has gone to be with God.
Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: 'I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet.
I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.'

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing.
He then told me 'I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.'

'I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.'

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. 'Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''

'OK' he said, 'I hope I do have enough..' I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it.
There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: 'Thank you God for giving me enough money!'

Then he looked at me and added, 'I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough
money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''

'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much.
But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''

'My mommy loves white roses.'


A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.

I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started.

I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young

woman and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Read more: http://tearsflow.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2012-04-02T10:01:00-07:00&max-results=7#ixzz2MhpspDMc

Finding Peace in Death

Recently, my fourteen-year-old daughter lost her father in what I consider a senseless motorcycle accident. I was very angry with him for leaving her so young, and for all the shared moments that he cheated her out of by dying this way. My daughter's pain and grief had affected her academic accomplishments and I was struggling with this.

So that night, I had a dream. He appeared to me in a way that was of comfort to me. He wore jeans, a tee-shirt and aball cap. We talked about our daughter. I asked him if he knew that our daughter was failing her main classes as school. He looked at me and said "Yes, I know, and they will get better." As I sat there looking at him, I struggled with what to say.

He then told me, "I want you to know that I am very proud of our daughter and that I love her very much." With tears in my eyes, I reached for him and hugged him with all my might. At that moment, I told him that I missed him in this lifetime. Finally, I let go of him and he reached for my hand and asked me "Are you ready to find peace now?" I was very overwhelmed at his request and replied "I am too busy, right now". He then asked me again. I then woke up sobbing uncontrollably.

Needless to say, I realized that in the midst of all my anger, I had this dream. The man who left his physical existence is not the spirit I felt in my dream. So I find that I have to somehow find peace in the midst of the "mess" he left behind and work through each and every day in search of peace. I know that this is where I must go and what I must be. Most of my anger is gone now and I continue to search for what is most important -- peace -- not only for myself, but for my daughter. Everything I do I put in God's hands now.

486 Days

I used to have a best friend who grew up with me. Every second of my life, he was by my side. People always said we were joined at the hip. I like to think we still are now, but that’s impossible.
His name was Lewis. He’d been my friend since the day we were born. We went to the same nursery; we went to the same primary school and high school. We were always together. The teachers used to think we were related.

Until a few years ago I thought of him as a close friend, but after we went to a beach party with our class, I realized I loved him.
I was too shy to say anything to him, so I kept quiet. He must've noticed something because he started asking me questions and phoning me more often than ever. I kept telling him nothing was wrong, but I knew I should tell him soon. But I was stuck on how to tell him, and soon I just forgot about it all and carried on telling him everything was fine.
A few days after the trip to the beach, I asked him if he wanted to go and see a movie. He told me he couldn't. He’d been doing this for a while now, telling me he could go out for lunch or to the park with me. I was wondering if he was trying to avoid me.
“Lewis, why can't you come to the cinema? Do you need to study some more?” I asked him, looking deep into his eyes.
He looked away and said, “No… I’m meeting someone… a friend…”
He was always like this. Telling me he was meeting people and abandoning me.
“Lewis, this is the fifth time I've asked you!” I told him.
“Look, I’ll go to the cinema on Friday alright?”
I nodded and turned away with my head down. I was secretly hoping he’d take pity on me and tell me he’d love to go to the cinema with me. But he didn't. He grabbed my arm and opened my hand. He pressed another of those wretched dolls into it and closed my fingers.
This was the twenty eighth doll he’d given me. I wasn't so sure what he was trying to say but he’d always give me a doll when he were saying goodbye.

About two months later, the pile of dolls was still growing and I had about seventy by now. They were starting to irritate me because the pile of them was so high, I kept knocking it over. I didn't get anymore for a while because I didn't see Lewis for about three weeks. Every day I would sit by the phone in the hallway, and wait for him to call or leave a message. But everyday, the phone stayed silent.
I was starting to get a little upset because I was convinced Lewis had forgotten about me. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, dreaming about Lewis.

But even on my birthday, there was no message, no call from Lewis. I sat all day by the phone, waiting for something. But nothing came. My dad was getting worried about me so he brought all my birthday presents out to the hallway and we had a little picnic with cake and sausage rolls. That made me feel a little better but I was still hoping Lewis would call.
After my dad had cleared the crumbs from the floor and put all the plates back in the kitchen, I asked to go outside. I opened the front door and to my surprise, Lewis was standing there looking rather upset.
“Lewis…” I opened my mouth to ask him where he’d been for so long, but he shushed me and beckoned for me to come with him.
“Lewis, what do you want?” I asked him, trailing along behind as he walked faster and faster towards the park.
All of a sudden he stopped and I walked into his back. He sighed and turned to face me.
“Listen…” He began but I cut across him.
“No Lewis. I’m sorry, but I've got to tell you something.”
He looked at me, puzzled by the looks of things and sniffed. That was obviously a sign to make me hurry up.
“Lewis, I….” I tried to say it but the words got stuck in my throat.
“Yes.” He said impatiently.
“I… I… I love you…” I said, feeling my skin flush the colour of poppies.
“Right… Please… Just take this doll… Just go home….” and he mumbled something about it getting late.
He ignored my three words and handed me another of those stupid little dolls. I took it reluctantly.
I looked up and he was gone and I noticed that the sky was getting dark. I turned and started to head home.
As I was walking home, I remembered. He never said ‘happy birthday’. He’d forgotten my birthday.
As tears rolled down my face, there was a rumble of thunder and the sky lit up and a bolt of lightning cut across the darkness.

A few days later he called for me again and we walked together to the park.
“Take this.” Lewis said to me as he held out another doll.
“Lewis… I don’t…”
“Take it.” He said, and he pressed the small doll into my hand. The pile in my bedroom had got larger and it now consisted of about two hundred.
Lewis turned away but I felt a rush of anger and I shouted out to him.
“Wait!”
He turned around and looked at me. I could see he wanted to get home quickly.
“What now?” He asked impatiently.
“Tell me… Tell me you love me…” I said, squeezing the doll tightly in my fist. I was squeezing so tightly my knuckles had turned yellow.
“What?” Lewis was puzzled.
“Tell me you love me.” I said again.
But Lewis ignored me and turned around again and began to walk briskly towards his house. I started to see the truth and realized that maybe; just maybe, he wasn't the right guy for me.

For months and months after Lewis continued to meet me by the park and hand me a little doll. The pile in my room grew and grew until there were at least four hundred.

The last time I met him he handed me another doll but this time the doll wasn't a happy little girl with beautiful eyes. It was a sad little boy with cold black circles for eyes. It scared me so much that I hid it under the pile of smiling dolls and burst into tears.
My legs felt numb. I collapsed to the ground, tears rolling down my cheeks and falling into the plush white carpet. I curled up clutching one of the little dolls in my hand, breathing in the smell of lavender that seemed to seep from the dolls stitches.

After that day, I stranded myself in my bedroom, and I cried. All I did was cry as I waited for a call or a message from Lewis. None came and I started to feel like everyone had forgotten me. Lewis didn't knock for me anymore, but every morning there would be another of those little dolls on my front door mat, the smell of lavender choking me.
After about a month of pretending I had the flu, I decided I was going to go back to school. As I got changed into my uniform, the phone rang. I ran for the phone and picked it up, only to find that it was Auntie Mavis, phoning from Barbados to ask how we all were. I blurted out we were all fine and that she didn't need to worry, and slammed the phone down.
School took my mind away from everything and I was able to calm myself down and stop thinking about Lewis for a while. But something happened after my first day back to school. I saw him, standing by the bus stop, with another girl. She was blonde and pretty with big blue eyes and she was laughing. Lewis was smiling, but it was a different smile to the one he showed me. He laughed and slipped his arm over the girls shoulder. Tears started to drip down my face and I looked down at the floor to try and cover up my sadness.

When I got home, I looked at all the dolls near my bed and the tears started to spurt from my eyes. I put my hand deep into the pile of dolls and screamed as loud as I could. Why did Lewis give me all of these? Why did he want me to have them? In a fit of anger I threw the dolls around as the stench of lavender made my throat itch and my eyes water.
Then the phone rang. I screamed one last time and picked up the receiver. It was Lewis.
“What do you want?” I asked blankly.
“Meet me at the bus stop; I've got to tell you something.”
I tried to calm myself down as much as possible and breathe deep breaths, and I slipped some shoes on and walked out the door.
I kept reminding myself that I was going to forget him, and that I would never have to speak to him again after today. As I got closer to the bus stop, I could see him holding what looked like another one of those stupid dolls.
“I thought you would be angry, I’m so happy you came.” He said, holding out the doll to me.
I told him I didn't need it and I pushed his hand away coldly.
“What… Why…” He tried to say, but I interrupted him, shouting in his face.
“I don’t want this doll! I don’t want you anymore! I never want to speak to you ever again!” And I grabbed the doll from his hand and threw it into the road.
I spat the words out at him, but unlike other days, he was shaking.
“I’m sorry…” He said in a small voice. He walked over to the road to pick up the doll.
I screamed at him to come back.
“Lewis, you stupid idiot, leave the doll! Throw it away, no one wants it!”
But he ignored me and bent over to pick up the doll.

That’s when I saw the lorry.

Its lights were flashing and the man inside the drivers cab was punching the horn, shouting at Lewis to get out of the way.
“Lewis!” I screamed.
Again he ignored me and bent down further and grasped the doll in his shaking hands.
“Lewis move! Please, get out of the way!” I shouted again, running a few paces towards him, my hair blowing all around me as I called for him.
“Lewis! You've got the doll, now move, please, just move!” I continued to scream for him, but Lewis was still squatted down in the road, stroking the doll and holding it close to his heart.
“Please!” I screamed one last time, in a desperate attempt to get him to move.

That’s when the lorry hit him.

The sound was so terrifying, that I fell backwards, the tears streaming down my face.
“Lewis… No...” I began, but the lorry driver had got out of his cab and was by my side.
“I’ll phone the ambulance love, he’s still got a chance. I’m so sorry…” He said, he was crying too.
“No, don’t be sorry. He didn't move out of the way when I…” I tried to carry on, but the shock just overwhelmed me and I started to sob.
A few days later, the hospital phoned me. They told me that Lewis had passed away a few hours earlier and that his funeral was arranged to be held next Wednesday.
“I’ll be there…” I tried to say calmly, but the sadness overwhelmed me and I had to put the phone down to avoid breaking down in tears.
After spending the whole time hiding the dolls from my life, I decided I would count them. And maybe, just maybe, I might get some sense out of why Lewis kept giving them to me.
“One… Two… Three… Four…” I counted for hours and hours.
“Four hundred and eighty four… Four hundred and eighty five…” He had given me four hundred and eighty five dolls.
I started to cry again, hugging the dolls to my chest and kissing each one in bewilderment. All of a sudden a little voice came from one of the dolls.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” I dropped the doll I was holding and stared at it in shock.
“I… love you?” I said, trying to make sense of what was going on.
“I love you. I love you.” The dolls carried on talking as I rummaged around and pressed each of the dolls stomachs, and the same words came out of each.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” The sound of high pitched voices filled the room and I picked up one of the little dolls and stroked its lavender filled body.
“Lewis… Why?” I asked myself as I remembered what I did the night Lewis was hit. I threw the last doll, the four hundred and eighty sixth doll into the road. Why did he go and get it? Why was it so important to him?
I reached under my bed and brought out the doll, I had retrieved it from the road when the ambulance came. There was a blood stain on its stomach and the smell of lavender was stale. I looked into its eyes and smoothed out the dress it was wearing.
I squeezed its stomach, but instead of parroting ‘I love you’ another message came out. The voice I missed so much, started to talk.
“Four hundred and eighty six dolls. Do you know why I gave you all these dolls? I was to shy to tell you that I loved you. And because I was too shy I gave you those talking dolls. Press their stomachs and the words come out. Cool hey? But if you forgive me for being so stupid and take this doll then I promise I will love you ‘till the day I die. I love you.”
I was so overwhelmed. He’d loved me all along. Why was I so stupid? Why didn't I just take this doll, and forgive him? Why was I so ignorant?
“Lewis, I love you too…” I said, before the overwhelming smell of lavender choked me and I fainted.

I woke up a few hours later to the sound of quiet music downstairs and chatting. Lewis’ parents must be here.
The funeral must be starting soon.
The funeral...
"Lewis, I love you so much..." I cried.

Kissing Air

You chased after me. I shove open the door with a deafening crash, slamming it against the opposite wall. You rise and call out to me, incoherent words and meaningless phrases. The late afternoon light is bronze and sears my cheeks without notice. The suitcase in hand is empty, barren and void like a desert; what do I have to take it with me when you've plundered and stolen everything else? The lonely dirt road is strangely unfamiliar but the train station is in sight. I stride towards it.

You caught my hand. As you wretch my body to face towards you, your gasps surge down my face and your dark eyes distort, wild with fear. You ask me stupidly if I was really going. When I recoil away, you pluck me back again as if I am a flower that bends away from your oppressive wind. Staring at me to the point of being a glare, you tell me not to leave. My dress slides easily over my body like the ocean's waters; what happened to the love that was born that day I first touched the sea's tears? A distant ringing weaves in between us like a fluttering butterfly, warning me that the train was leaving. I start to tear away.. 

You drew my lips to yours. As I try to break free again, you yank me in and your cold lips presses against mine. Your hand screens and masks my cheek. For a moment, I forget my anger and everything seems right again. But I remember her, the one who destroyed everything that was right between us. I can feel the cold ring on your finger that presses against my cheek like a cold glass window; why did you care if you had her? A hard slap across the face shatters our contact. Hot angry tears scald my eyes and face. I turn away, knowing that if my graze crosses yours I would lose sight of all reason to leave, to become your chained prisoner again. My eyes didn't catch yours.
The hard road pounds against my feet. My sandals unravel then fall away, allowing loose stones to claw and to slice at my skin. The torrid heat parches my already impoverished throat. Rasps heave my body and, for an instant, the sun shudders. Then your voice screams the phrase that threatens to draw me back and make my tears storm for you. To weep for the paradise lost to us. Those two words still rings in my ear as my feet whisk me away. Don't go
~~~
Screech! The ear-piercing sound as the train shrieks to a stop slaps me out of my shrouding thoughts. I look up. I'm alone on this platform with only the dry wind as my companion. I see myself standing, abandoned on the forsaken platform like the sole survivor standing in the scorching desolation of an all-consuming firestorm. 

Then I remember. When I left, you didn't chase after me or catch my hand or kiss me or beg me to stay. You didn't care enough to come after me. You chose her and forgot me.
You didn't follow.

The sliding door glides open before me with a low hiss. Staring over my shoulder one last time, there is only empty space waiting for me on the tiled platform. Then I wrap my hand around the handle to hoist myself up onto the lined steps. 

Suddenly, something wispy curls around my wrist, stopping me. There you were, the most perfect mirage that my delusional mind could create. This apparition has the special scent that you had. Your echoing words of don't go, like the last dying notes of a love song... 

I am shocked to find that even shaking my head was difficult. Your eyes convey the deepest regret that would've never appeared on your real face and warmth spreads from me for this flawless illusion that takes your smooth features. Before I can stop myself, I close my eyes and lean forward. My lips touch yours so tenderly. 

To the world, I was just kissing air. Maybe I was just kissing my heart good-bye. But that last fleeting kiss, like a grazing butterfly, tasted like the salty tears of a far away ocean where a love was once born.
If only you cared enough to follow.
If only you cared that much.

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