I used to have a best friend who grew up with me. Every second of my life, he was by my side. People always said we were joined at the hip. I like to think we still are now, but that’s impossible.
His name was Lewis. He’d been my friend since the day we were born. We went to the same nursery; we went to the same primary school and high school. We were always together. The teachers used to think we were related.
Until a few years ago I thought of him as a close friend, but after we went to a beach party with our class, I realized I loved him.
I was too shy to say anything to him, so I kept quiet. He must've noticed something because he started asking me questions and phoning me more often than ever. I kept telling him nothing was wrong, but I knew I should tell him soon. But I was stuck on how to tell him, and soon I just forgot about it all and carried on telling him everything was fine.
A few days after the trip to the beach, I asked him if he wanted to go and see a movie. He told me he couldn't. He’d been doing this for a while now, telling me he could go out for lunch or to the park with me. I was wondering if he was trying to avoid me.
“Lewis, why can't you come to the cinema? Do you need to study some more?” I asked him, looking deep into his eyes.
He looked away and said, “No… I’m meeting someone… a friend…”
He was always like this. Telling me he was meeting people and abandoning me.
“Lewis, this is the fifth time I've asked you!” I told him.
“Look, I’ll go to the cinema on Friday alright?”
I nodded and turned away with my head down. I was secretly hoping he’d take pity on me and tell me he’d love to go to the cinema with me. But he didn't. He grabbed my arm and opened my hand. He pressed another of those wretched dolls into it and closed my fingers.
This was the twenty eighth doll he’d given me. I wasn't so sure what he was trying to say but he’d always give me a doll when he were saying goodbye.
About two months later, the pile of dolls was still growing and I had about seventy by now. They were starting to irritate me because the pile of them was so high, I kept knocking it over. I didn't get anymore for a while because I didn't see Lewis for about three weeks. Every day I would sit by the phone in the hallway, and wait for him to call or leave a message. But everyday, the phone stayed silent.
I was starting to get a little upset because I was convinced Lewis had forgotten about me. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, dreaming about Lewis.
But even on my birthday, there was no message, no call from Lewis. I sat all day by the phone, waiting for something. But nothing came. My dad was getting worried about me so he brought all my birthday presents out to the hallway and we had a little picnic with cake and sausage rolls. That made me feel a little better but I was still hoping Lewis would call.
After my dad had cleared the crumbs from the floor and put all the plates back in the kitchen, I asked to go outside. I opened the front door and to my surprise, Lewis was standing there looking rather upset.
“Lewis…” I opened my mouth to ask him where he’d been for so long, but he shushed me and beckoned for me to come with him.
“Lewis, what do you want?” I asked him, trailing along behind as he walked faster and faster towards the park.
All of a sudden he stopped and I walked into his back. He sighed and turned to face me.
“Listen…” He began but I cut across him.
“No Lewis. I’m sorry, but I've got to tell you something.”
He looked at me, puzzled by the looks of things and sniffed. That was obviously a sign to make me hurry up.
“Lewis, I….” I tried to say it but the words got stuck in my throat.
“Yes.” He said impatiently.
“I… I… I love you…” I said, feeling my skin flush the colour of poppies.
“Right… Please… Just take this doll… Just go home….” and he mumbled something about it getting late.
He ignored my three words and handed me another of those stupid little dolls. I took it reluctantly.
I looked up and he was gone and I noticed that the sky was getting dark. I turned and started to head home.
As I was walking home, I remembered. He never said ‘happy birthday’. He’d forgotten my birthday.
As tears rolled down my face, there was a rumble of thunder and the sky lit up and a bolt of lightning cut across the darkness.
A few days later he called for me again and we walked together to the park.
“Take this.” Lewis said to me as he held out another doll.
“Lewis… I don’t…”
“Take it.” He said, and he pressed the small doll into my hand. The pile in my bedroom had got larger and it now consisted of about two hundred.
Lewis turned away but I felt a rush of anger and I shouted out to him.
“Wait!”
He turned around and looked at me. I could see he wanted to get home quickly.
“What now?” He asked impatiently.
“Tell me… Tell me you love me…” I said, squeezing the doll tightly in my fist. I was squeezing so tightly my knuckles had turned yellow.
“What?” Lewis was puzzled.
“Tell me you love me.” I said again.
But Lewis ignored me and turned around again and began to walk briskly towards his house. I started to see the truth and realized that maybe; just maybe, he wasn't the right guy for me.
For months and months after Lewis continued to meet me by the park and hand me a little doll. The pile in my room grew and grew until there were at least four hundred.
The last time I met him he handed me another doll but this time the doll wasn't a happy little girl with beautiful eyes. It was a sad little boy with cold black circles for eyes. It scared me so much that I hid it under the pile of smiling dolls and burst into tears.
My legs felt numb. I collapsed to the ground, tears rolling down my cheeks and falling into the plush white carpet. I curled up clutching one of the little dolls in my hand, breathing in the smell of lavender that seemed to seep from the dolls stitches.
After that day, I stranded myself in my bedroom, and I cried. All I did was cry as I waited for a call or a message from Lewis. None came and I started to feel like everyone had forgotten me. Lewis didn't knock for me anymore, but every morning there would be another of those little dolls on my front door mat, the smell of lavender choking me.
After about a month of pretending I had the flu, I decided I was going to go back to school. As I got changed into my uniform, the phone rang. I ran for the phone and picked it up, only to find that it was Auntie Mavis, phoning from Barbados to ask how we all were. I blurted out we were all fine and that she didn't need to worry, and slammed the phone down.
School took my mind away from everything and I was able to calm myself down and stop thinking about Lewis for a while. But something happened after my first day back to school. I saw him, standing by the bus stop, with another girl. She was blonde and pretty with big blue eyes and she was laughing. Lewis was smiling, but it was a different smile to the one he showed me. He laughed and slipped his arm over the girls shoulder. Tears started to drip down my face and I looked down at the floor to try and cover up my sadness.
When I got home, I looked at all the dolls near my bed and the tears started to spurt from my eyes. I put my hand deep into the pile of dolls and screamed as loud as I could. Why did Lewis give me all of these? Why did he want me to have them? In a fit of anger I threw the dolls around as the stench of lavender made my throat itch and my eyes water.
Then the phone rang. I screamed one last time and picked up the receiver. It was Lewis.
“What do you want?” I asked blankly.
“Meet me at the bus stop; I've got to tell you something.”
I tried to calm myself down as much as possible and breathe deep breaths, and I slipped some shoes on and walked out the door.
I kept reminding myself that I was going to forget him, and that I would never have to speak to him again after today. As I got closer to the bus stop, I could see him holding what looked like another one of those stupid dolls.
“I thought you would be angry, I’m so happy you came.” He said, holding out the doll to me.
I told him I didn't need it and I pushed his hand away coldly.
“What… Why…” He tried to say, but I interrupted him, shouting in his face.
“I don’t want this doll! I don’t want you anymore! I never want to speak to you ever again!” And I grabbed the doll from his hand and threw it into the road.
I spat the words out at him, but unlike other days, he was shaking.
“I’m sorry…” He said in a small voice. He walked over to the road to pick up the doll.
I screamed at him to come back.
“Lewis, you stupid idiot, leave the doll! Throw it away, no one wants it!”
But he ignored me and bent over to pick up the doll.
That’s when I saw the lorry.
Its lights were flashing and the man inside the drivers cab was punching the horn, shouting at Lewis to get out of the way.
“Lewis!” I screamed.
Again he ignored me and bent down further and grasped the doll in his shaking hands.
“Lewis move! Please, get out of the way!” I shouted again, running a few paces towards him, my hair blowing all around me as I called for him.
“Lewis! You've got the doll, now move, please, just move!” I continued to scream for him, but Lewis was still squatted down in the road, stroking the doll and holding it close to his heart.
“Please!” I screamed one last time, in a desperate attempt to get him to move.
That’s when the lorry hit him.
The sound was so terrifying, that I fell backwards, the tears streaming down my face.
“Lewis… No...” I began, but the lorry driver had got out of his cab and was by my side.
“I’ll phone the ambulance love, he’s still got a chance. I’m so sorry…” He said, he was crying too.
“No, don’t be sorry. He didn't move out of the way when I…” I tried to carry on, but the shock just overwhelmed me and I started to sob.
A few days later, the hospital phoned me. They told me that Lewis had passed away a few hours earlier and that his funeral was arranged to be held next Wednesday.
“I’ll be there…” I tried to say calmly, but the sadness overwhelmed me and I had to put the phone down to avoid breaking down in tears.
After spending the whole time hiding the dolls from my life, I decided I would count them. And maybe, just maybe, I might get some sense out of why Lewis kept giving them to me.
“One… Two… Three… Four…” I counted for hours and hours.
“Four hundred and eighty four… Four hundred and eighty five…” He had given me four hundred and eighty five dolls.
I started to cry again, hugging the dolls to my chest and kissing each one in bewilderment. All of a sudden a little voice came from one of the dolls.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” I dropped the doll I was holding and stared at it in shock.
“I… love you?” I said, trying to make sense of what was going on.
“I love you. I love you.” The dolls carried on talking as I rummaged around and pressed each of the dolls stomachs, and the same words came out of each.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” The sound of high pitched voices filled the room and I picked up one of the little dolls and stroked its lavender filled body.
“Lewis… Why?” I asked myself as I remembered what I did the night Lewis was hit. I threw the last doll, the four hundred and eighty sixth doll into the road. Why did he go and get it? Why was it so important to him?
I reached under my bed and brought out the doll, I had retrieved it from the road when the ambulance came. There was a blood stain on its stomach and the smell of lavender was stale. I looked into its eyes and smoothed out the dress it was wearing.
I squeezed its stomach, but instead of parroting ‘I love you’ another message came out. The voice I missed so much, started to talk.
“Four hundred and eighty six dolls. Do you know why I gave you all these dolls? I was to shy to tell you that I loved you. And because I was too shy I gave you those talking dolls. Press their stomachs and the words come out. Cool hey? But if you forgive me for being so stupid and take this doll then I promise I will love you ‘till the day I die. I love you.”
I was so overwhelmed. He’d loved me all along. Why was I so stupid? Why didn't I just take this doll, and forgive him? Why was I so ignorant?
“Lewis, I love you too…” I said, before the overwhelming smell of lavender choked me and I fainted.
I woke up a few hours later to the sound of quiet music downstairs and chatting. Lewis’ parents must be here.
The funeral must be starting soon.
The funeral...
"Lewis, I love you so much..." I cried.
His name was Lewis. He’d been my friend since the day we were born. We went to the same nursery; we went to the same primary school and high school. We were always together. The teachers used to think we were related.
Until a few years ago I thought of him as a close friend, but after we went to a beach party with our class, I realized I loved him.
I was too shy to say anything to him, so I kept quiet. He must've noticed something because he started asking me questions and phoning me more often than ever. I kept telling him nothing was wrong, but I knew I should tell him soon. But I was stuck on how to tell him, and soon I just forgot about it all and carried on telling him everything was fine.
A few days after the trip to the beach, I asked him if he wanted to go and see a movie. He told me he couldn't. He’d been doing this for a while now, telling me he could go out for lunch or to the park with me. I was wondering if he was trying to avoid me.
“Lewis, why can't you come to the cinema? Do you need to study some more?” I asked him, looking deep into his eyes.
He looked away and said, “No… I’m meeting someone… a friend…”
He was always like this. Telling me he was meeting people and abandoning me.
“Lewis, this is the fifth time I've asked you!” I told him.
“Look, I’ll go to the cinema on Friday alright?”
I nodded and turned away with my head down. I was secretly hoping he’d take pity on me and tell me he’d love to go to the cinema with me. But he didn't. He grabbed my arm and opened my hand. He pressed another of those wretched dolls into it and closed my fingers.
This was the twenty eighth doll he’d given me. I wasn't so sure what he was trying to say but he’d always give me a doll when he were saying goodbye.
About two months later, the pile of dolls was still growing and I had about seventy by now. They were starting to irritate me because the pile of them was so high, I kept knocking it over. I didn't get anymore for a while because I didn't see Lewis for about three weeks. Every day I would sit by the phone in the hallway, and wait for him to call or leave a message. But everyday, the phone stayed silent.
I was starting to get a little upset because I was convinced Lewis had forgotten about me. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, dreaming about Lewis.
But even on my birthday, there was no message, no call from Lewis. I sat all day by the phone, waiting for something. But nothing came. My dad was getting worried about me so he brought all my birthday presents out to the hallway and we had a little picnic with cake and sausage rolls. That made me feel a little better but I was still hoping Lewis would call.
After my dad had cleared the crumbs from the floor and put all the plates back in the kitchen, I asked to go outside. I opened the front door and to my surprise, Lewis was standing there looking rather upset.
“Lewis…” I opened my mouth to ask him where he’d been for so long, but he shushed me and beckoned for me to come with him.
“Lewis, what do you want?” I asked him, trailing along behind as he walked faster and faster towards the park.
All of a sudden he stopped and I walked into his back. He sighed and turned to face me.
“Listen…” He began but I cut across him.
“No Lewis. I’m sorry, but I've got to tell you something.”
He looked at me, puzzled by the looks of things and sniffed. That was obviously a sign to make me hurry up.
“Lewis, I….” I tried to say it but the words got stuck in my throat.
“Yes.” He said impatiently.
“I… I… I love you…” I said, feeling my skin flush the colour of poppies.
“Right… Please… Just take this doll… Just go home….” and he mumbled something about it getting late.
He ignored my three words and handed me another of those stupid little dolls. I took it reluctantly.
I looked up and he was gone and I noticed that the sky was getting dark. I turned and started to head home.
As I was walking home, I remembered. He never said ‘happy birthday’. He’d forgotten my birthday.
As tears rolled down my face, there was a rumble of thunder and the sky lit up and a bolt of lightning cut across the darkness.
A few days later he called for me again and we walked together to the park.
“Take this.” Lewis said to me as he held out another doll.
“Lewis… I don’t…”
“Take it.” He said, and he pressed the small doll into my hand. The pile in my bedroom had got larger and it now consisted of about two hundred.
Lewis turned away but I felt a rush of anger and I shouted out to him.
“Wait!”
He turned around and looked at me. I could see he wanted to get home quickly.
“What now?” He asked impatiently.
“Tell me… Tell me you love me…” I said, squeezing the doll tightly in my fist. I was squeezing so tightly my knuckles had turned yellow.
“What?” Lewis was puzzled.
“Tell me you love me.” I said again.
But Lewis ignored me and turned around again and began to walk briskly towards his house. I started to see the truth and realized that maybe; just maybe, he wasn't the right guy for me.
For months and months after Lewis continued to meet me by the park and hand me a little doll. The pile in my room grew and grew until there were at least four hundred.
The last time I met him he handed me another doll but this time the doll wasn't a happy little girl with beautiful eyes. It was a sad little boy with cold black circles for eyes. It scared me so much that I hid it under the pile of smiling dolls and burst into tears.
My legs felt numb. I collapsed to the ground, tears rolling down my cheeks and falling into the plush white carpet. I curled up clutching one of the little dolls in my hand, breathing in the smell of lavender that seemed to seep from the dolls stitches.
After that day, I stranded myself in my bedroom, and I cried. All I did was cry as I waited for a call or a message from Lewis. None came and I started to feel like everyone had forgotten me. Lewis didn't knock for me anymore, but every morning there would be another of those little dolls on my front door mat, the smell of lavender choking me.
After about a month of pretending I had the flu, I decided I was going to go back to school. As I got changed into my uniform, the phone rang. I ran for the phone and picked it up, only to find that it was Auntie Mavis, phoning from Barbados to ask how we all were. I blurted out we were all fine and that she didn't need to worry, and slammed the phone down.
School took my mind away from everything and I was able to calm myself down and stop thinking about Lewis for a while. But something happened after my first day back to school. I saw him, standing by the bus stop, with another girl. She was blonde and pretty with big blue eyes and she was laughing. Lewis was smiling, but it was a different smile to the one he showed me. He laughed and slipped his arm over the girls shoulder. Tears started to drip down my face and I looked down at the floor to try and cover up my sadness.
When I got home, I looked at all the dolls near my bed and the tears started to spurt from my eyes. I put my hand deep into the pile of dolls and screamed as loud as I could. Why did Lewis give me all of these? Why did he want me to have them? In a fit of anger I threw the dolls around as the stench of lavender made my throat itch and my eyes water.
Then the phone rang. I screamed one last time and picked up the receiver. It was Lewis.
“What do you want?” I asked blankly.
“Meet me at the bus stop; I've got to tell you something.”
I tried to calm myself down as much as possible and breathe deep breaths, and I slipped some shoes on and walked out the door.
I kept reminding myself that I was going to forget him, and that I would never have to speak to him again after today. As I got closer to the bus stop, I could see him holding what looked like another one of those stupid dolls.
“I thought you would be angry, I’m so happy you came.” He said, holding out the doll to me.
I told him I didn't need it and I pushed his hand away coldly.
“What… Why…” He tried to say, but I interrupted him, shouting in his face.
“I don’t want this doll! I don’t want you anymore! I never want to speak to you ever again!” And I grabbed the doll from his hand and threw it into the road.
I spat the words out at him, but unlike other days, he was shaking.
“I’m sorry…” He said in a small voice. He walked over to the road to pick up the doll.
I screamed at him to come back.
“Lewis, you stupid idiot, leave the doll! Throw it away, no one wants it!”
But he ignored me and bent over to pick up the doll.
That’s when I saw the lorry.
Its lights were flashing and the man inside the drivers cab was punching the horn, shouting at Lewis to get out of the way.
“Lewis!” I screamed.
Again he ignored me and bent down further and grasped the doll in his shaking hands.
“Lewis move! Please, get out of the way!” I shouted again, running a few paces towards him, my hair blowing all around me as I called for him.
“Lewis! You've got the doll, now move, please, just move!” I continued to scream for him, but Lewis was still squatted down in the road, stroking the doll and holding it close to his heart.
“Please!” I screamed one last time, in a desperate attempt to get him to move.
That’s when the lorry hit him.
The sound was so terrifying, that I fell backwards, the tears streaming down my face.
“Lewis… No...” I began, but the lorry driver had got out of his cab and was by my side.
“I’ll phone the ambulance love, he’s still got a chance. I’m so sorry…” He said, he was crying too.
“No, don’t be sorry. He didn't move out of the way when I…” I tried to carry on, but the shock just overwhelmed me and I started to sob.
A few days later, the hospital phoned me. They told me that Lewis had passed away a few hours earlier and that his funeral was arranged to be held next Wednesday.
“I’ll be there…” I tried to say calmly, but the sadness overwhelmed me and I had to put the phone down to avoid breaking down in tears.
After spending the whole time hiding the dolls from my life, I decided I would count them. And maybe, just maybe, I might get some sense out of why Lewis kept giving them to me.
“One… Two… Three… Four…” I counted for hours and hours.
“Four hundred and eighty four… Four hundred and eighty five…” He had given me four hundred and eighty five dolls.
I started to cry again, hugging the dolls to my chest and kissing each one in bewilderment. All of a sudden a little voice came from one of the dolls.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” I dropped the doll I was holding and stared at it in shock.
“I… love you?” I said, trying to make sense of what was going on.
“I love you. I love you.” The dolls carried on talking as I rummaged around and pressed each of the dolls stomachs, and the same words came out of each.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” The sound of high pitched voices filled the room and I picked up one of the little dolls and stroked its lavender filled body.
“Lewis… Why?” I asked myself as I remembered what I did the night Lewis was hit. I threw the last doll, the four hundred and eighty sixth doll into the road. Why did he go and get it? Why was it so important to him?
I reached under my bed and brought out the doll, I had retrieved it from the road when the ambulance came. There was a blood stain on its stomach and the smell of lavender was stale. I looked into its eyes and smoothed out the dress it was wearing.
I squeezed its stomach, but instead of parroting ‘I love you’ another message came out. The voice I missed so much, started to talk.
“Four hundred and eighty six dolls. Do you know why I gave you all these dolls? I was to shy to tell you that I loved you. And because I was too shy I gave you those talking dolls. Press their stomachs and the words come out. Cool hey? But if you forgive me for being so stupid and take this doll then I promise I will love you ‘till the day I die. I love you.”
I was so overwhelmed. He’d loved me all along. Why was I so stupid? Why didn't I just take this doll, and forgive him? Why was I so ignorant?
“Lewis, I love you too…” I said, before the overwhelming smell of lavender choked me and I fainted.
I woke up a few hours later to the sound of quiet music downstairs and chatting. Lewis’ parents must be here.
The funeral must be starting soon.
The funeral...
"Lewis, I love you so much..." I cried.
Manila Time
